expectant. time to choose with what

So, we are pregnant with a five year old.


That's my favorite way to think about it.


Expectant.


Expecting.


When I was pregnant with Cooper, we treasured each day of pregnancy.  I had so many before that ended long before they should have.  There are lots of little Silburns waiting for us in forever.  We have never taken a pregnancy lightly.  They are highly treasured in our home.  Drugs, bedrest and all the fear about losing him didn't deter us in our deep, incredible love and wonder!  I LOVED holding him inside of me and longed for the day I'd meet his sweet face.


Being pregnant with Jeb was joyful.  Bedrest, complications, terrible morning sickness...I saw it all as part and parcel of the privilege, blessing and joy of having a baby and being a parent again.  I LOVED watching him cavort inside my tummy and having naptime with Cooper snuggled up on my tummy and Jebby snuggled up in my tummy.


When I was pregnant with Luke, I "knew" it was my last pregnancy and treasured each moment.  I'd walk around with my hands on my stomach and just love on him growing inside.  It is and has always been such a wonder to me that God makes us and knits us together the way he does.  Luke was as sweet as a growing babe as he was a born baby.  He was my quiet fellow, and even as a baby was keen to be held and nuzzled.  I LOVE being pregnant.


Anna was a different kind of pregnant, and the joy, splendor and awe we felt as we waiting and longed for her were magnificent.  Adoption pregnancy is NO LESS than physical pregnancy.  I spent our waiting in complete and utter wonder at God's graciousness and was stunned at the instant, enormous love and longing we felt for our sweet daughter.  The waiting was excruciating in ways, and also one of the sweetest things I have experienced.  We saw the Lord contend for our family in mighty ways, and show up in the sweetest of sweet, too.  His goodness and His greatness in full.


Emma Kate.  God keeps reminding me to settle my ruffled feathers down.  I am pregnant.  With love, longing, anticipation, joy.  And I keep CHOOSING to be pregnant with worry, fear, anxiety.  It is my choice to live with those things.  I am the keeper of those emotions.  And that is just what they are: emotions.  I am not a slave to them.  Although I act like it some days: figuring out how to manage them, and acting like they are there for good.  As if fear and worry showed up with a deed to my heart and mind.


Hello!


2 Corinthians 10:5- "Take every thought captive to obey Christ"


Luke 12: ²²Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear.²³Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]? ²⁶Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?


^{Matthew 28}"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."


I am a lily.  And God is taking care!


So.  With that in mind.  I am also pregnant.  We are expecting.


And we are putting off worry, fear, anxiety and unease.  What God has purposed He will complete.  Sweetest Emma Kate is His baby first and He's blessed us with her.  No. matter. what.


My fear is all about process.  How fast.  How fast.  How fast.   


My worry is about paperwork and dossiers.  Goof-ups and snags along the road.


I'm done.


Taking those thoughts and pushing the stop button on them.  Ushering them out the door of my heart and mind.


Goodbye.


Because I'm missing out!  I'm pregnant with a five year old.  And I'm going to enjoy every last minute, see God show up faithful in each day, and behold the moments as HE brings her home and knits us together.  


The pregnancy is an important and necessary part of the journey.


And by God's grace.  We're pregnant again.  


Who'd have thought?!