Miss Susie and Panda World

And we thought we were just going to see the pandas…

 

This morning after breakfast we were on our way through the lobby and a woman approached us.  She recognized YuXiao, and came over to talk to us instead of just dropping off at the front desk what she had to deliver.   What she was delivering was a DVD with numerous photos of Emma on it.

 

What the Lord ordained was more than that.  The woman was Miss Susie, who is Emma's beloved teacher and the (I believe) director of the Believe in Me School.  Believe in Me is the school supported by Love Without Boundaries in Emma's orphanage.  The minute she said who she was I recognized her.  It was a fifteen minute interaction between Emma, Susie and secondarily us. 

 

At one point, we asked Miss Susie to ask Emma who her best friend is, because we are trying to confirm who we think it is.  If it is the little girl we think, I believe we have a way to contact her parents.  She was just adopted recently!  Suddenly Miss Susie is crying, and when she could pull herself together to share with us, she said that YuXiao told her it was her, Miss Susie.  I was weeping, Jim was crying, Miss Susie was in tears.  We were all a mess.  I suppose it was a splendid mess, in many ways.  And for YuXiao I know the time to connect in this way with Miss Susie was part of God's gracious provision for her heart.  A magnificent piece of his "more than all you can ask for or imagine".  Heartbreaking and glorious all at once.  Beautiful  grace and also wrenching suffering in the same encountering. 

 

Susie and Emma shared loving, heartfelt, God-blessed hugs, tears and words.  I don't know all that was said, but the tone was unmistakable.  It was love.  And proof before our eyes, which we have "known" all along, of the incredible love and care in which Emma has lived these five years.  She has been without a family, and lived in an orphanage, which is not how it should be.  And yet the place God planted her has been a haven, a shelter and such an incredible piece of His provision for Emma Kate. 

 

We conveyed our heartfelt thanks and gratitude to Susie, through tears.  She and I gave each other a long hug.  And I honestly don't know how there wasn't audible wailing.  It was such a hard and such a special time.

 

She had to leave then.  Love Without Boundaries is doing a series of cleft lip repairs this week in Fujian province, in Fuzhou, and she is assisting with that amazing endeavor.  They are still seeking funds, if any of you would care to support them.  Love Without Boundaries is an amazing organization, and the work they are doing is changing children's lives and the lives of the families who bring them home.  Our daughter has a legacy that is theirs in large part.  Love Without Boundaries changes her life.  Literally.  You can link to the organization through the picture of the children surrounding a beautiful woman on the bottom right of our blog.  You will recognize our Emma in that photo.  The woman pictured with them is her teacher, Miss Susie.  Isn't she lovely?

 

Emma has had a very hard and withdrawn day.  She is grieving Miss Susie deeply.  And I know that as hard as it is it is a good grief.  Necessary and healthy.  Anguishing to watch and walk through with her.  Sweetest little one.  She has really not wanted much to do with Jim or myself, and has preferred Jeb instead, wanting to hold his hand  and have him be with her.  He has been magnificent, walking a fine line of connecting with her and also knowing instinctively when to pull back and have us do something.  She has been indifferent and rebuffed us, but not unkindly or even angrily.  Just hurting.  Hurt and sad. 

 

There's been joy also.  Bubbles go a long way.  We had a great deal of fun over lunch.  And through her pain, I see that she is letting us closer bit by bit.

 

After the morning grief, we watched the DVD.  Emma was humming.  She was humming real songs: Frere Jacques, Old McDonald,  Happy Birthday, Yankee Doodle…can you believe it?!

 

We were in awe!  I feel that this was Emma's hymn of love for Miss Susie.  The music just poured forth from her after the encounter.  Sweet, quiet, and humming.  In her grief, she was recalling the joy and love she was bathed in at Believe in Me.  If you think I cried in the lobby, think Noah's ark in our room.  I'm so wiped out…we all are right now.  It was very overwhelming for all of us.  Most especially dear YuXiao. 

 

So what does one do after an enconter like that?  Go to the world's scariest Panda Zoo.  Think Como Zoo 30 years ago when the monkeys were in those metal enclosures and you'd walk up and stare at them. 

 

I think I'm a bit jaded about it all because we were all so raw emotionally from the morning.  It was still morning, I guess, but it felt like five o-clock.  Emma was really shut down, and we were debating about even going.  It just seemed wise to get out and move.  Physically walk through some of the emotion.  My parents taught me how healing that is, and how the mind can process things and emotions can move and settle when the body is moving.  There are times in my life of sadness and grief, and each of them is connected to a walk.  So as crazy as it was, we walked.  A long way.  The wrong way around the lake, in fact.  It felt like a big mistake, but perhaps the human boondoggle was actually a way for YuXiao to move, to get tired, and to work through some things. 

 

Luke, the red pandas really were cute.  WE have many pictures and some video of them.  You would have loved them.  They are like darling raccoons, in a way.  With long fluffy tails.  Although I know you already know that, Luke, as they are one of your favorite animals!  We wished we could bring one home for you in our suitcase.  Daddy said it would growl too much, though.  Oh, and it's illegal and all, so we aren't going that route.  But you would love them!

 

After the panda world zoo, it was evident that walking back to the hotel was too much for Emma, and she was doing the stiff as a board slide down our bodies when we held her.  A cab seemed prudent.  Emphasis on seemed. 

 

Our guide wanted me and the kids to go in a taxi and he and Jim to walk back to the hotel.  We are a 2 taxi group.  Jim wasn't so keen on me alone with the kid and no way to communicate with the driver.  He wanted Chris to go with me and Emma and he and the boys would walk back.  Great idea in theory.  Oh, boy.  Did it ever launch an incredible amount of raw fear and terror for Emma.  She seemed quiet and sort of the same in the cab.  She let me put my arm around her, but wouldn't really communicate with me.  We arrived at the hotel and Chris opened the door of the taxi.  Emma shook her head no, tears filled her eyes and she woulnd't move.  It was clear she was confused, totally afraid and starting to fall apart emotionally.  Unraveling.  I scooped her up and just carried her into the hotel, asking Christ to tell her Jim and the boys were coming.  They would walk to the room.  He was saying this, but honestly either she didn't understand, didn't believe him or was too deep in her fear that she was sort of paralyzed.  I told him we would be fine and high-tailed it to the room with Emma. Mercifully there was an open and waiting elevator right there.

 

The second we walked into the room she exploded in screaming tears.  She was yelling at me and into the air the same thing over and over, which I think had something to do with  not wanting me and wanting to go home.  And maybe being scared about Jim and the boys.  It was awful, and so hard.  She didn't want me by her at all.  She wouldn't let me touch her at all, so I just sat near her and in Chinese said, "I love you, YuXiao", "I understand", and "Don't be scared" over and over.  I wish I had more words.  I prayed out loud quietly over her in her grief.  And then I did what any sensible person would do: I called jim and told him to run!

 

The minute Jim and the boys walked in the door, she stopped crying within seconds.  Seconds.

 

Oh, poor thing.  What a morning.  She did let Jim pick her up and hold her briefly.  And that was a very sweet time for him.

 

Needless to say, our EMmacakes has been through the wringer today.  She couldn't settle in for nap, so we are hoping bedtime is good in that way.  She's been understandably busy and a bit manic this afternoon.  Forced joy in a way?  But it is still good.  She is learning she can trust us, that we will stay with her in her grief, and that it is safe to be sad and afraid with us.  I kept praying the fruit of the Spirit would just literally pour from me on her behalf. 

 

That is today's recap.  And it is only dinnertime.  Jim is in the shower, and we are going to dinner.  Then to bed, to bed, to bed the Mommy said. 

In the hard ways, it was a good day. Sometimes good doesn't mean easy.  Or happy.  Today was good.