Sustaining grace

A new year.

For us at least.

Today marks a year from last year's first Sunday in advent, when our world truly turned upside down.
And while I want to recount the year that passed, most of all my heart today longs to recall instead of the grueling details of last year, God's profound goodness, mercy, love and faithfulness to us.

Last year, we were awakened at 5am to our Luke in the throes of a grand mal seizure on his bedroom floor.  His entire body was convulsing, his eyes were fixed and dilated, he was foaming at the mouth.  The seizure lasted five long minutes and ended in an ambulance ride to Children's Hospital with him unable to even tell us his name.

I remember the 911 call and literally not being able to get my breath on the phone as I spoke.  I was winded from fear.  My legs were jelly as I raced back upstairs to the bedroom to give them information.  The two minutes it took for the ambulance to arrive felt a lifetime.  Leaving our other children, stricken with fear, waiting at home with Jim's parents was so hard.  And while I prayed aloud in the ambulance, all I remember repeating over and over is a mumbled phrase, "Help us, Jesus.  Help us, Jesus".  I knew, even as my mind would not work to come up with words and my mouth was thick and dry with terror, that God was at work.  We were not alone nor did we need to beg for help.  God was very present, very much with us, completely holding us together when we were falling apart.  And He was mighty for His beloved little Luke.

The day had us returning home with instructions to rest and know usually another seizure never happens, only to rush back to the hospital as another seizure shook his body in late afternoon.  One of the longest days of our lives does not even begin to describe the agony of those long hours.  The late, late night hospital visit from our pastor, Jeff, stands out in my mind as a moment of respite in that day.

One of the longest months, and seasons of our lives, is how it became.  In the week that followed, Luke had another seizure in the car as I drove him to school.  This resulted in an official diagnosis of epilepsy and the beginning of a series of drugs, tests, appointments and doctors.  And many more seizures; many, many more.  A trudge at times, and a soldier's defiant march at others is how we walked.

We joined a "club" we had no interest in belonging to.  My imaginary membership card was soon tattered from use, and I learned to not crumple it in frustration, but instead think of it as a badge of courage.  That imaginary membership card is one of the things that I will bring with me to the end, and cast down before me when I arrive There to say, "Jesus, You made a way, and gave us a courage we didn't know we had.  You were with us completely.  We saw you in it all the way".

We took refuge in James 1: 2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

And found solace and strength in Romans 5: 1-5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.


This past year, for Jim and me, has been one of the hardest years of our lives.  We have had one other season that was as grinding and hard.  There may be more, because such is the fabric of a life.  Joy and sorrow, hurt and hope, hard and beautiful, all mixed up together.  Jesus tells us to have courage, and to take heart.  What a relief to hear this from Him.

John 16:33 is a verse I truly treasure, and often quote.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”


This morning we are almost three months into a new series of drugs and Luke has not had a seizure in all that time.  For that we give great thanks.  He did not have a seizure the entire time we were in China, and for that we are so grateful.  We woke to a quiet, peaceful house this morning.  It was a restful peace.  And in that hush of home and of heart, I recalled a very different kind of peace that I met last year on this day.

Last year my peace was not in circumstances.  Last year on this day, I had a peace that was in my Lord, even as our world shook and it felt as if mountains were tumbling and crashing into the sea.  Jesus gave us peace that isn't about circumstances.  Our circumstances last year looked a mess.  And yet.  And yet.

Zephaniah 3:17

 The LORD your God is with you, 
   the Mighty Warrior who saves. 
He will take great delight in you; 
   in his love he will no longer rebuke you, 
   but will rejoice over you with singing.”



Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters,
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.

Today, I testify before any of you who read these words, that the Lord our God is a mighty God.  He is the One and Only.  There is no other .  As advent begins anew, and we usher in the season of waiting for the arrival of Emmanuel, God with us, this day we recount each moment of last year when we lived God with us in fullness.  Blessed be His name in all the earth.


Soli deo gloria, 
again and again and again,
Sara