monday morning

School drop off, Monday.

Usually the scene of many tears and the gnashing of teeth.

Emma Kate h.a.t.e.s. it when "her people" (aka her four siblings) go to school and her Baba goes to work.
Especially on Monday after a weekend of "no goodbyes".

Sweet girl.

Emma: "Momma.  Look.  Emma no cry."
Me: "Emma, you aren't crying?  Are you sad?"
Emma: "No, Momma.  Emma no cry.  Emma not sad."
Me: "Emma.  I am so happy you are happy."
Emma: "Momma, why you cry?  You sad?"
Me: "No Emma, I'm not sad.  I cry because I am happy for you."
Emma: "Momma, you happy?  You cry?  Momma, you crazy!"
Me, smiling: "Yes, Emma, I am crazy.  I am crazy for you!"

Later, running an errand.
Emma craning her neck to look out the window.

Emma: "Momma!  The sun!"
I look up and out, registering a round orb shining obscured in our sky.  The sun!
Emma: "The sun no shway (sleep) today, Momma!  Hooray!"


It has been many, many, many days since our eyes have beheld the sun shining here in the north.  The snow is our light in all its blues, purples and lavendars.  Pink tinged in the dusk.  Today it was with wonder that Emma beheld the sun bravely glowing behind a cloud-filled sky.  I'm sure she wonders where we've brought her, our southern belle.

Yes, sweet Emma, the sun does shine here, too.

Hello? Hello? I can hear!

Emma Kate's ears are clear!

She is the recipient of ear tubes, placed this morning at Children's Hospital.

Surgery was at 9am, and we were home by 10:30.

One more procedure complete.  We are moving right along.

She did so well.  Repeating over and over, "Ears all better!".

Now we count the days.  February 4th is her major surgery.  On that day, she will have multiple repairs.

• Her cleft palate will be closed
• Fingers on her left hand will have bands removed and some webbing released
• Toes on her left foot will be separated and repaired 
• the large constriction band on her left calf will be removed and her calf reconstructed!

It is a "combo" surgery where they do multiple things at once instead of separating them out into individual surgeries.  The doctors we've consulted with are unanimous in their opinions to go this route.  

We would surely appreciate your prayers for our Emma.  It is a lot to happen all at once.

{redemption} His story of grace and mercy

This is her birthday.  The day she was born.

Six years ago, God displayed himself in love as He ordained the day for Emma Kate.

Her first day.

Entry, and the first breath.  A head wet with birth and fresh from within.

And I think not only of Emma, but of her.  Emma's first mother.

We see His goodness in Emma's birth-family.  In a culture that sits under a government where forced abortions are normative and often compulsory (thus, the adverb forced), they made a way for Emma Kate to live.  In a place where babies that have physical differences are left to die, Emma Kate was lovingly placed somewhere she could live.

A bi-lateral cleft lip and palate can be a death sentence in other countries.  Especially impoverished ones.  With no means to nurse, Emma's mother would have needed special bottles and formula for her sweet baby.  And surgery.  Those don't exist for people without the means to secure them.  Means economic or social.  No money.  No government systems.  No help.

Emma Kate also is missing fingers and toes on her hands and feet, and has a calf that, well, looks different from mine and yours.  Those physical differences in China...they aren't just differences.  They are marks.  Marks against her.  Forever.  It is so different from here.  At least for now it is.  She would be considered cursed.

Emma's parents kept her for almost a week.  I imagine it was a week that left them reeling.  I know she was loved.  I will tell her that for the rest of my days.  Not only was she loved and cared for by her Heavenly Father, she was loved by her birth parents.

They could have made drastically different choices.  And each option would have ended in Emma's end.

Instead, they took their daughter to a place where she had a chance: a chance to survive, and maybe a chance for another family who could care for her needs to find her.

That fact cuts me to the quick.

Those realities break my heart.

And I'm so humbled and grateful that God chose us to be that other family.  That we have been called to carry-on and carry out the hopes of her first parents.  Forever we are part of the same story.

We share a daughter with people in China we will never know this side of eternity.


God's provision for Emma included all that.  He knew we were coming, even when we didn't.  He knew that out of brokenness, his mercy and love would shine.  His graciousness for her in choosing a first family that would keep her and give her up are His story.  His love story for His lovely daughter, Emma Katherine YuXiao.  She wasn't a mistake.  She was never unloved.  She was never forgotten.  She was never lost.

Some tell a story like hers in what wasn't.  What didn't happen.  What was lost.  They fix fast on lack.

We see it so differently.

One day I hope to stand reunited before the One who dries every tear.  I long to gaze into the eyes of the woman who gave our daughter her life, and share together the goodness of knowing it all face to face with Him.  The whole story from the Master's perspective: written from heaven for eternity.  His heart to ours.

There is another mother to my daughter, and today I lifted her to our Lord, yearning for her heart to know she'd done well, that her daughter is safe and thriving.  That her daughter is beloved of us, too.  Her mother sweat and tears and longing were not for naught.  I pray the Lord comforts her heart this day, and that in the comforting she feels his pleasure for her bravery.  I pray she knows Him who loved us all first.


We frame Emma's story not as one of loss and regret.  It is a tale woven by love, written in redemption, guarded by heaven and walked out with God's goodness, mercy and provision.

Our little gazelle is precious in the sight of many; none more than His.  We sing this good day a song of praise to our God.

The Maker of heaven and earth counted it joy to fashion and assemble His beloved treasure, Emma Katherine YuXiao.  A little one made in love and glory.  From before the very foundations of the world were laid was she in his mind.  Grafted in, just like us.  Adopted, just like us.  Called a daughter, just like me.  Now my daughter as well.

His first.  Theirs next.  Ours now and always.

This day, we celebrate the miracle of Emma.

From dawn's break to dusk's fall.

Thank you, our Jesus, for our Emma.

 .

firsts and the blessing of a babe

"Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song, 

the joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.  

That free grace alone from the first to the last 

has won my affection and bound my soul fast".

- John Stocker, 1776

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

A whirlwind of visitors in the form of Nana and Papa, Jim's parents, who have been staying with us since the 21st, meals, festivities and firsts.  Many, many firsts for our Emma Kate.

In the midst of all the activity, hustle, bustle joy and fun, we rejoice in our Great and Awesome King.
To Him we give our adoration and worship, praise and joy.  May our hearts delight in Him alone, who was born to deliver.  


Here are a few highlights of our Christmas, along with some fun firsts thrown in!

Jeb, the wiseman and Cooper, the shepherd
(yes, he actually walked a real sheep down the aisle of church at the end of the pageant!)
Emma Kate's eyes almost popped out of her head!  

First live animal encounter for Emma Kate,
and the annual petting of the stable creatures for the rest of us!  
Emma is in the red coat and Cooper is guarding her and holding her hand. 

Our dear visitors, Nana and Papa.
We've loved having them visit,
and what a blessing to have them meet Emma
with so much time to become acquainted with one another.

Anna Elaine Juan ("all my names are after someone! ")
in her cute flowery hat!

The girls with their dolls!
Emma received an American Girl doll, to her excitement
and the joy of her momma and sister.
Yes, I requested Kirsten for myself. True story.

Look how cute!  Her doll has...
purple glasses!
Emma Kate puts her to sleep each night
and takes off her glasses to place them right next to her own.

The kids all made presents for each other and their grandparents this year.  Luke just completed a poetry unit at school, so he wrote poems for everyone, Anna loves to draw so she drew special pictures and wrote letters to everyone, and Emma Kate has learned to write all our names.  Her present to all of us was a framed piece with all our names written on it, in her sweet penmanship.  Eight weeks home and she knows all those letters!

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!
And suddenly at Christmas breakfast...Anna's front tooth fell out.
So fun and funny.

Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.
Luke, sporting his new headband for basketball, pjs, Wild Thing slippers
and a look that even a mother could not like! :)

We were so blessed to experience so very many "firsts" with our Emma Kate.  It is such a blessing to watch them unfolding for her, and see her embracing with joy each experience.

First Christmas, first visit from Nana and Papa, first Christmas service, first presents, first skating!, first stocking and Santa, first sled that's all her own, first waking up early in new jammies, first putting out cookies and carrots for Santa and seeing the messy reindeer mess on the sidewalk after the reindeer eat all the carrots and leave them shredded all over the sidewalk, first animals, first hockey slapshot, first time her family is all home with her for two weeks!, first Christmas carols, first hand raised in worship as she sang Jesus' name with joy and a smile.

Emma m's and the whining incident: lost in translation

The setting: Emma Kate in the cart with me merrily pushing her sweet self as we make a morning grocery run.

We selected lovely produce for homemade black bean soup and the finishing ingredients for a mushroom and asparagus cream sauce for pasta (which we all ate for dinner tonight and yum was it good - that from the family that avoids pasta).  We handpicked our organic yogurt and sought out wholesome cheeses and freshly made bread.  And...scccccrreech!  The candy aisle.

I whizzed on by, but chattering little Emmacakes loudly proclaimed in a very urgent voice, "Mommy!  Emma m's.  Emma m's."

Okay, the cuteness.  They have been dubbed her personal candy, and the name is quite fitting.  They are Emma m's.

However, we don't need to eat them everyday.  Really.  We don't!

Try explaining that to the girl that thinks that any item we pass that she wants should rightfully be hers!  It is hard to explain the concept of a financial transaction when so many delectable items are simply sitting out for the taking.

Three aisles later, and the tears were still looming large in her big eyes, threatening to spill down those yummy cheeks.  The low moan of disapproval was quietly coming from her, directed straight at me.

Very matter of factly I looked at her, and mom of the century that I am, stated calmly, "Emma Kate.  No whining, honey.  No whining".

I knew she might not understand what I was saying but it felt fine to say it and hope that contextually it made sense.

Her eyes became huge.  She gasped.  She repeated, "No whining?"

I'm a genius, I thought to myself.  She's a genuis!

I nodded with a huge happy smile, "Yes, Emma!  No whining.  Good girl!"

She looked at me in shock and said, "No whining?  No whining, Momma?"

I, being the genius that I am, realized that something was not quite right here.  And slowly started to say "No whining" only to realize Emma Kate thought I was saying no wo ai ni.  As in, I don't love you.

Because wo ai ni means I love you.

merciful heavens!

I quickly repaired my mistake with "Oh, Emma, Momma wo ai ni" over and over again.  I pantomimed what "whining" looked like, and then worked really hard to say even when Emma "whined" Momma still "wo ai ni'ed".

Whew.  The other shoppers must have gotten quite an ear and eye full.  Cultural clash in the ethnic aisle. Seriously.  We were selecting salsa.  Because, you know, milk isn't really ethnic.  Just ask anyone in Asia.  They drink tons of it.  And the pickled herring we buy with frequency from the area right near the pickles and lunch meats, those aren't ethnic either.  To Minnesotans, at least.  Anyway, I digress...

Okay, the.rest.of.the.day, every single time I said, "Emma.  Momma wo ai ni", she would shake her head and say, "no Momma.  No wo ai ni".

The good news is that by the end of the day, she knew the next part of the act involved a tickle and giggle fest together and that I would still insist on having the last word.  She was laughing about it by basketball tonight.

I was too.  Even if deep down on the inside a little part of me cringed and hurt.

No more whining talk at our house!  I'll stick to the mime act from here on in.

:)

Don't have to do that day again, and other adventures in wooing a gazelle

Jim left for Seattle early, early yesterday morning.  Early enough that he was gone by the time EK and the troop woke up.  Daylight savings made for an early arising all around, and that translates to Emma Kate awake by 6am.  Jim had the translator set with phrases explaining he was gone, he would be back, and he loved her forever.  Beautiful.

All seemed fine, until the school drop offs started.  Oh, mercy.  Dropping Cooper and Jeb off elicited a glower.  But Anna and Luke were still in the car.  Phew.  That's good.  We made it back home, had a second breakfast because we are like hobbits when we arise so early and the cereal of six o'clock just wasn't cutting it.  Waffles for round two.  We were carbo loading for the school day.

Little did I know the marathon I would run yesterday.  Not physical.  Just emotional.  It is probaby good I didn't know.  Sometimes it is just best to meet the day unknowing and simply get on with it and get through it.

Our little EK is like a beautiful gazelle.  Skittish and afraid in some ways right now.  While God made her to run and leap with grace, right now she is a very afraid little girl in some ways.  Many new things that don't necessarily make sense to her and that she can't trust often lead to times of anxiety.  The hardest thing for her is when our family separates to go about daily life.  She gets very anxious, worried and scared.  One day as I was asking the Lord for a way to picture this so I can recognize the importance of this time for Emma, that it is important to navigate through it, not just get past it, the idea of wooing came to my mind.  And that led to the thought of a skittish, afraid gazelle.

So I am wooing a little gazelle.  She doesn't yet know she can trust me.  She doesn't believe I am safe and secure and good at the care and feeding of wild gazelles.  EK is learning that I am her Mom.  A new category when all she's had is caregivers and teachers.  Important and loving caregivers and teachers, and yet a completely different thing.

Wooing.  It takes patience and diligence.  Sometimes it means staying close even while giving space.  Sometimes it means stealthy pursuit and creative moves to draw near.  All the time, it means not taking things personally.  This isn't about me, it is about EK.  And her sweet, dear, beautiful little heart and mind.  We are, together, making new.  She doesn't know it yet, but I do.  And I am so blessed to watch it all unfold each moment and each day.  Even on days like yesterday...

The gazelle and I drop off Luke and Anna at school.  She receives hugs, kisses and "we come back, Emma.  We always come back".  In they go, and off EK and I drive...and she wails.

All.day.

I think it was just too much.  She was thrown completely by Jim being gone.  After a weekend of all of us home, it was terribly sad for her to have her beloved playmates and siblings leave.  And now it is just the two of us.  And she's sad.  Scared.  Mad.  Not in control of a world that has been turned topsy turvy.

By lunchtime I popped three advil and decided it was time for McDonald's.  French fries for balm.  That earned me a respite: a smile, a giggle, a tight-fisted grasp on the cheap plastic megaman toy.  See?  Wooing.  I have a five year-olds lingo down.  This isn't my first safari. :)

If this were a sound track, the music would now cue to something quietly dramatic.  Mulling.  Are you ready?

1:30pm very cursory pediatrician appointment, where basically all we did was height and weight.  No needles, no blood work, not a stitch of clothing was removed.  Sitting on my lap the entire time.

Let's just say it was loud.  continuously loud.

Kudos to Dr. Inman.  He probably took a lollipop break after we left, and nabbed the entire basket they keep out front to soothe the nerves of anxious parents patients after the doctor visit.

Home again, home again, jiggety jig.

Thankfully, Jeb came in the door a half an hour after we got home.  The tables of grief turned to something less traumatized, and once again EK learned that we all come back and she can trust what I say.

The rest of the day was much better.  It was more homework and basketball and other safari activities with this busy crew.  The kids are all being so helpful - to me and to EK.  Once I got the littles settled, with Anna wanting to help EK with tooth brushing and bedtime story reading, Cooper and Jeb kept me entertained for a good hour laughing and just hanging out.  I so needed that.  And it was total ministry.  We rehashed the day, laughed about nothing and their silly stories of life, and I felt my angst leaving.

Day is done, gone the sun.  A hard day, but a day the Lord made and walked us through.
Today we go to the ENT at 10am.  I'm trying really hard to cast a very large number of cares on the Lord and just get on with it.

THIS is the day the Lord has made, also.  And I rejoice that we are here in it.
Off I go to woo.  Courting a little girl is a sweet job.